Live | Pure | Potential

Adam Willemse | Life Coach

Tag: being ok

Do you have a ‘master plan’ for other people?

The only adult

 

So, remember my last post talking about not taking things personally because other people have their own stuff they carry around? In this post I want to focus on the flip side of the coin: when you want other people to behave in a certain way…

Brooke Castillo over at The Life Coach School calls it The Manual. The Manual is a set of rules you write for another person to follow…in your head! Usually the other person does not have a clue about these rules you have created for them. You decide how they must act and behave and then you get upset when they don’t. Does this sound familiar? We have this idea in our head that if they behave the way we want then it will make us happy. Is this realistic?

We often create this manual subconsciously and then we don’t understand what upsets us so when that person reacts differently. Don’t you think this is a setup for a disaster? I agree.

The thing is, you cannot control other people. And another thing, other people are not responsible for your happiness. You have to start taking responsibility for yourself. I have a friend who always says: “The only adult I’m responsible for, is myself!” You cannot take responsibility for other people’s thoughts and actions. And the quicker you realise this, the better.

Brooke says, “The reason why you ever want someone else to change the way that they’re behaving is because of how you think you will feel because of their changed behavior.” The operative word here is “think”. You need to learn to control your own thoughts. Become aware of them. Become aware of how you react to your thoughts.

Your emotions is a direct outflow of your thoughts. An emotion cannot materialise without a thought happening in your brain. This is a physiological fact! Your brain needs to spark a thought before the hormone for the emotion can be excreted. so, control your own thoughts. Become aware of them. This will help you become aware of the manuals you are writing for others in your head as well. Just be aware.

The fear of rejection

Do not take anything personally.

The fear of rejection is one of man’s greatest fears. It stands alongside other big fears like the fear of embarrassment or the fear of failure. Some people even have a fear of achievement! But rejection, that one is way up at the top of the list.

Rejection is such a big thing because people have the need to belong somewhere, we like to be associated with a specific group of people. It forms part of our identity to belong. We want to be loved and liked by the people we meet.

But the matter of the fact is we cannot be liked and loved by everyone we meet. We can also not please everybody. It will become very tiring trying to be everything to everybody.

If one of your ideas are rejected, try to reframe it in a positive way. See it as an opportunity to improve on your idea. Do not take it personally. (Do you remember me talking about The Four Agreements a few posts ago? This is one of the four agreements: Do not take it personally!)

Nothing people do to you is personal. They might think you are the problem, and you might take it personally, but the bigger issue lies with the other person since he or she brought up the issue. The other person has his or her own issues and anxieties on which he or she reacts. You merely triggered the thought in their brain. It is the thought that makes them behave badly toward you. The action is all theirs. You cannot take it personally. It is not your stuff. Don Miguel Ruiz , the writer of The Four Agreements, writes: “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.”

You can also not assume what is going on in the other person’s head. This is another of the four agreements: Do not make assumptions!

Does this make rejection any less painful? No, but maybe a bit more bearable. If you keep telling yourself these things, you might handle rejection a bit better in future.

So if someone rejects you on grounds of your sexuality or religion or whatever, just remember that it is their issue. You are not the problem. Try to be empathetic and see where they are coming from. This might help you accept the situation and move on. The world needs more compassion anyway. Do not take it personally.

If you have any questions or want to discuss this post with me, please leave a comment or contact me directly.

You will be okay…

Brave

 

Coming out was one of the most stressful things I had to do in my life so far. All kinds of fears kept popping into my head. I think my biggest fear have always been rejection. Thankfully I have never experienced firsthand rejection on grounds of my sexuality. Sure enough I have seen homophobic slants in the media and by so-called Facebook ‘friends’ in general, but never ever directly aimed at me personally. I have been lucky in this way. And I am grateful.

Rejection comes in various forms and from various sources. I think that one of the worst can be internalised rejection or internalised homophobia. But that is a topic for another day.

I would like to focus on the positives, though. If you are able to deal with the rejection, you will be okay.

But how does one deal with rejection?

In short, you need a thick skin. How does one get a thick skin? Through experience. Through lots of tears (literal and figurative). And with time. I’m not saying it is going to be easy… The thing is, you need to find your inner power. A. A. Milne, the author of Winnie the Pooh, wrote: “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” This is unbelievably true! Become aware of your inner power, find it, access it, and get to know it, intimately. You must know it so well that you can access it any time you need it. Then you’ll be okay.

The thing is, haters will always hate. And you will need to ignore them. You cannot control what others think and how they act. What you can control is how you react. You can choose to get upset or to let it roll off of your back. If you choose not to get upset, you will be okay.

There will be ups and there will be downs. There will be obstacles in the road. Sometimes the obstacle will be the size of a grain of sand, and other times it will seem like Mount Everest rising in front of you. Remember, every journey begins with one step. Stay in the now and focus on the next step – you will be okay.

Do not give up.

Listen carefully: Do. Not. Give. Up.

There is always hope!

Always.

Remember what Winnie the Pooh said and you, my dear friend, will be okay.