Adam Willemse | Life Coach

Tag: beliefs

Do you have a ‘master plan’ for other people?

The only adult


So, remember my last post talking about not taking things personally because other people have their own stuff they carry around? In this post I want to focus on the flip side of the coin: when you want other people to behave in a certain way…

Brooke Castillo over at The Life Coach School calls it The Manual. The Manual is a set of rules you write for another person to follow…in your head! Usually the other person does not have a clue about these rules you have created for them. You decide how they must act and behave and then you get upset when they don’t. Does this sound familiar? We have this idea in our head that if they behave the way we want then it will make us happy. Is this realistic?

We often create this manual subconsciously and then we don’t understand what upsets us so when that person reacts differently. Don’t you think this is a setup for a disaster? I agree.

The thing is, you cannot control other people. And another thing, other people are not responsible for your happiness. You have to start taking responsibility for yourself. I have a friend who always says: “The only adult I’m responsible for, is myself!” You cannot take responsibility for other people’s thoughts and actions. And the quicker you realise this, the better.

Brooke says, “The reason why you ever want someone else to change the way that they’re behaving is because of how you think you will feel because of their changed behavior.” The operative word here is “think”. You need to learn to control your own thoughts. Become aware of them. Become aware of how you react to your thoughts.

Your emotions is a direct outflow of your thoughts. An emotion cannot materialise without a thought happening in your brain. This is a physiological fact! Your brain needs to spark a thought before the hormone for the emotion can be excreted. so, control your own thoughts. Become aware of them. This will help you become aware of the manuals you are writing for others in your head as well. Just be aware.

To come out is to challenge your beliefs

Things which do not grow and change are dead things.

Where does our beliefs come from? I’d say mostly our parents. They instil certain beliefs in us as we grow up and we tend to stick to those beliefs for the most of our lives.

Until we become teenagers.

As you might have experienced it yourself, this is the time we start to question everything, especially our parents. We start to question the beliefs they instilled on us. This is usually also the time we start to realise that we are different from other individuals. We start exploring our own identity. We also start to explore our own sexuality. I think it is easier for heterosexual people as they just keep carrying on in the way they were brought up to behave. For homosexual people this is the time they, or shall I say we, start to realise that we are different. We like the same sex more than the opposite sex. We realise that we get turned on by the same sex – god forbid! And then the inner struggle begins… I am not sure about girls, but most boys question their own sexuality more or less around the age of 14 to 15. They then decide or realise whether they are gay or straight.

Our beliefs are such a big part of us that we rarely question them. We rarely objectively look at our beliefs. Unless we are forced to when we realise we might be gay. We have to start to question those beliefs in order to successfully accept ourselves as gay. We have to challenge the norms of society. We have to realise that we have to almost perpendicularly go in against the norms of society.

It is said that gays are more evolved souls, since we have to go through so much shit to get to self acceptance and that there is immense personal growth involved. We do way more soul searching and introspection than the ordinary person on the street.

Think about these questions:

  • What do I believe about myself?
  • What do I believe I am capable of in my life?
  • What do I believe about other people’s relationships with me?

Let’s take it a step further:

  • What do I believe about heterosexuality?
  • What do I believe about homosexuality?
  • What do I believe about myself as a homosexual?
  • Which heterosexual beliefs are still of use to me as a homosexual?
  • Which heterosexual beliefs did I have to leave behind when I realised I was homosexual?

Did these questions challenge your beliefs about yourself? I truly hope so. Your beliefs can be limiting or empowering. I believe to challenge yourself from time to time is a good thing. Louise Erdrich said: “Things which do not grow and change are dead things.” Please do not stagnate. Keep on challenging yourself. Keep growing!

If you have any questions on this post, please leave a comment, or contact me directly.